and today was a day just like any other

I live with no regrets but sometimes I wish things had played out differently. And it's the littlest details that bug the heck outta me. Live and learn.

no fear, no fences

keep the change you filthy animal

and i find it hilarious that you cant see anything wrong with this.

a slightly belated thanksgiving

Dang. I am so lucky to have this life and I don't ever want to forget that. This is a little late for Thanksgiving but hey, I was outta town, gimme a break! Things I'm thankful for.

A bed. A room. A house. The basics, sure, but some people aren't so lucky. I never did anything to be so blessed, yet here I am.

A family that actually likes each other. For some people, family makes life complicated, stressful. And while I can't say that my family is stress-free, I'm definitely thankful that the good times outweigh the bad.

Amazing friends that take me back after the way I treated them. I don't know what I would do without you guys, and I'm not just saying that to be cliche.

Being able to do what I love. I realize riding is not exactly financially practical. I'm incredibly lucky to not only be able to ride, but to actually have a horse. Again, how did this happen? Why do I deserve this?

Really this list could be endless. I don't always know where I stand with God but one thing I know for sure is that He has given me one heck of a blessed life and I have no idea why. I'm thankful for every last bit of it.

lucky this time

bullet. dodged. i wonder how long this will go on? and is it for better or for worse? probably better. but still.

this could get interesting

it's been so long. if it comes down to it:

death stare, fake smiles, or the ugly truth?

goooooos. fraaabaaaaah.

fold your hands child and walk straight now

I already decided, I decided awhile ago. It came down to graphic design and photography and I chose graphic design. Except really, it never really came down to that. I just picked graphic design because I know my parents don't think of photography as a 'real' major, or something that could ever be a 'real' job. So I never brought it up. But it's always been there in my head, as a possibility for a minor or even a double major if I'm lucky enough. Design is great and everything. I love it. It can be so powerful, so interesting. But photography is so much more intuitive for me. Design does not come easy. Not to say that photography does, but I enjoy the challenge of photography more than I enjoy the challenge of design. Here's the other thing about graphic design. So many people are satisfied being UNoriginal. and that's a trap that I never ever want to fall into. I guess that's true of photography too. Really the main reason I was so quick to pick design is that there's more job opportunities. And that's so unlike me. I've always been one to believe that if you're doing what you love, you can make everything else work out.

In AP art, we have the choice of whatever medium we want for each project. I always feel like I should be doing graphic design type stuff because that's what I'm planning on majoring in. But whenever we find out what the next project is, I'm always way more excited about the possibilities for photos than for designs. I think I've only done one project that doesn't involve photography (out of 6 or 7 we've done so far), and I hate it.

What I'm saying is that I would love to major in photography. Love love love it.

So here's to reeeeeeeaaaaaalllly super hoping that I get in to U of I -- I could double major there. And that would be awesome.

so watch me strike a match

I really need to just stop. It only pisses me off. And I know it will only piss me off, and yet I do it anyway. Why does he think this is okay! What the hell! I want to just forget it all. ughhghsdflksdj;sjdjffsdg.

snow please

At this time last year, I was snowboarding. Today, I rode my horse in short sleeves. Half of me is happy that the weather is still nice enough for trail rides but the other half NEEDS SNOW. I'm supposed to go snowboarding when we go to Minnesota next weekend, but it's been oddly warm there too so it's not looking good.

Finally I got a whole roll of successful fisheye pictures! Walgreens still sucks at cutting them. Really Walgreens sucks at photo in general.

fondling!

Today, I was texting a friend in class and I meant to write "doodling" but my phone wrote "fondling." So now my text reads "I just spent the entire class fondling with some random guy." I'm not going to correct it. MLIA

I love T9 mistakes.

starbucks wannabe

Mcdonalds iced coffee is my new favorite. Yesterday. I drove to Walgreens to drop off some film and was ridiculously tired. Thought about getting a Starbucks doubleshot at Walgreens, but decided to save 50 cents and went to Mcdonalds for a nice carmel iced coffee instead. I literally finished in about 3 minutes. It didn't even last through the drive home. I was instantly rejuvenated. And also addicted.

good day :D

So glad I have awesome friends who help me take my mind off stupid crap.

step back

Stop trying to twist this around like you always do.
Bottom line: it is what it is.

erasable pens & blank pages

This is crazy. Like I'm not upset by it but I am. I shouldn't be. I'm not. It's a good thing, I knew it would happen, and I'm glad it did. But still something about it bugs me. Not bugs me. It's just so weird. I think that's what it is, this is so completely opposite of everything I've known. I don't want to change it, don't want to stop it. Maybe it's just shock more than anything. Shock because... wow. Really. Shock mixed with doubt. I mean how many times has something like this been said and then been a lie. But lies don't usually last this long. And I can always tell when it's a lie. This time I can't tell. Should I take that as a hint? It's just so out of nowhere. Except not really. I mean I guess it makes sense. Okay I admit it, it makes a lot of sense. If this is a lie than wow, that's just completely not cool because it's gone on way too long. So I'm pushing the lie idea aside. And saying it's real. Really? Really. This does not upset me. Why would it? I don't want to change it and I don't want to go back. I'm happy about it. I think the worst is knowing that part of what it was was a lie, I guess. Like words I thought were true just got erased. And then written over. I thought those words were in pen? Must have been the cheap erasable kind. Cuz there's still smudges on the paper, just enough so you can read what was. But something new is written over the top.

Turn the page. I need to turn the page to a fresh new one that can be absolutely anything, and let all the old pages be passed by. They're still there, they'll never go away. But this blank page in front of me is what's going on now. In my sketchbook, I hate starting a new page. I literally have projects upon projects scribbled onto one page, random words, thoughts, and doodles all on top of each other. I hate turning to that new open page, it seems so directionless I guess. I like squeezing new thoughts into the cracks created by old ones. And that's the problem. I need to stop thinking about the old. It's still there and it will never go away. But I need to turn the page and leave it alone. Leave it where it is and focus on what I can make of this new page.

something i can't define

It's not really regret, but I hate that feeling when you look back and wish you would have said something slightly different. Not like you did something horribly wrong, just you wonder what would've happened if maybe you had just a second more to think it through. They say hindsight is 20/20. This is true. I guess in the end life is what it is, and there's a reason you can't change what's already been said or done.

In other news. I'm completely scrapping all previous ideas for my art concentration. They're too vague and cliche which is not a good combination. So I need a new idea by tomorrow. Awesome..

i was young & stupid

forget about it for now, it seems so hard to do
and there's a constant pain in my head
caused by sights i'd rather forget
i hope this time it will fade away

live as if

in the dark

I miss darkroom photography. This is the first semester I haven't been in a photo class in a long time and it's sad. Digital/photoshop stuff is awesome and everything, but I really miss things like wasting 10 sheets of paper to make one picture. Photoshop makes things too easy--the darkroom is far more frustrating. But it's also much more exciting when you get something you're actually happy with.

if my life had a soundtrack

I love when songs bring back memories. 3OH!3 is party music. "Dear Maria" by All Time Low will always take me back to the skatepark. "Happy Birthday" by You Me And Everyone We Know (no, it's not the traditional birthday song) is the last run of an awesome day snowboarding. "No Surprise," the time I should've let it go but couldn't yet. A couple country songs make me miss those long-gone summer days before everyone left.

And then there's those songs you find randomly whose lyrics perfectly describe your life at the time. "Should've Said No" is a perfect example... for while I would crank that so loud and just scream the lyrics because they were so true. Of course this only happens in the car. Seriously... I sing so loud when I'm driving!

I wish I could write songs.

you .don't. belong with me

you say that the past is the past, you need one chance.
it was a moment of weakness. and you said yes.

get some verve.

So in one of my art classes, we are doing this intense concentration thing for our final portfolio. It's 12 pieces of art with a central theme/message/medium, basically they're all related by something you're trying to say. And we're working on it for an entire semester.. so I need an idea that's gonna kick butt. Still working on that one. Here's what I'm thinking so far. Definitely gonna go with photography of some sort.

The way people are so restrained by the impact of the opinions/actions of others. Like how you hold back from doing something because you're worried that people will automatically judge you for it. And yeah, they will judge you. But why does that matter? What would the world be like if reputations and stereotypes didn't exist, if no one was ever judged for their thoughts, words, or opinions? If everyone just spoke their mind without being afraid of looking stupid or weird or anything else they could be labeled as. This is kind of cliche.. but it's something I think about a lot.

The obsession with objectivity. The fact that numbers, scores, and various measurements of success determine your worth as a person in this society. A frustration with formulaic thinking. I hate how test scores seem to define students. That's kinda the backbone for this one, and I don't really know where else I could go with it for a whole semester.

I also kind of want to do something with portraits/people, but I don't really have a solid idea for that yet. I have this feeling like this concentration thing is going to be really interesting and different, but coming up with an idea will be the hard part.

it's getting old.

I'm sure a lot of awesome things will happen between now and then. I like to live in the moment and make the most out of every day (sometimes cliches happen.) I'm not saying that I want to fast forward and miss out on everything that's going on now.

But please please PLEASE can next year hurry up and be here already.

<3

"the most powerful weapon in the world has been, and can be a photograph.
military weapons can only destroy.

cameras in the hands of photographers with hearts can capture love. hope. passion. change lives and make the world a better place.

...and it only takes 1/800th of a second.

life goes on, we photograph it.
but, it's much better with love."

-eddie adams