erasable pens & blank pages

This is crazy. Like I'm not upset by it but I am. I shouldn't be. I'm not. It's a good thing, I knew it would happen, and I'm glad it did. But still something about it bugs me. Not bugs me. It's just so weird. I think that's what it is, this is so completely opposite of everything I've known. I don't want to change it, don't want to stop it. Maybe it's just shock more than anything. Shock because... wow. Really. Shock mixed with doubt. I mean how many times has something like this been said and then been a lie. But lies don't usually last this long. And I can always tell when it's a lie. This time I can't tell. Should I take that as a hint? It's just so out of nowhere. Except not really. I mean I guess it makes sense. Okay I admit it, it makes a lot of sense. If this is a lie than wow, that's just completely not cool because it's gone on way too long. So I'm pushing the lie idea aside. And saying it's real. Really? Really. This does not upset me. Why would it? I don't want to change it and I don't want to go back. I'm happy about it. I think the worst is knowing that part of what it was was a lie, I guess. Like words I thought were true just got erased. And then written over. I thought those words were in pen? Must have been the cheap erasable kind. Cuz there's still smudges on the paper, just enough so you can read what was. But something new is written over the top.

Turn the page. I need to turn the page to a fresh new one that can be absolutely anything, and let all the old pages be passed by. They're still there, they'll never go away. But this blank page in front of me is what's going on now. In my sketchbook, I hate starting a new page. I literally have projects upon projects scribbled onto one page, random words, thoughts, and doodles all on top of each other. I hate turning to that new open page, it seems so directionless I guess. I like squeezing new thoughts into the cracks created by old ones. And that's the problem. I need to stop thinking about the old. It's still there and it will never go away. But I need to turn the page and leave it alone. Leave it where it is and focus on what I can make of this new page.