whatta ride..

2009. long distance. dancing all night. i'm still taller? getting lost. beautiful weddings. blind optimism. an unlikely match. high expectations. came crashing down. lies secrets & death stares. scars. finally being able to let go. remembering who my real friends are. gettin kinda crazy. being free. knowing what i want. shuttertheraphy.

2009. you threw some curveballs, that's for darn sure. you taught me things i'll never forget. and in the end you showed be right where i'm supposed to be.

so here's to leaving 2009 in the rearview mirror..

shuttertherapy

they'll chew you up, they'll spit you out

you killed it.
you required it.
you graded it.
you criticized it.
and now its dead.
if i don't want to use sound devices
i won't.
if it only makes sense to me
don't push it.
i thought the whole point
was that there are
no rules?
it is what you want it to be?
stop analyzing.

one more reason i should never have met you

Words I couldn't say. I don't miss us, I'm so much happier without you. I can't believe I was blind for so long. Why can't I cut you out of my life completely. You only make me angry. Frustrated. Honestly? I don't want to be friends, you should know this by now. Maybe we could have been if you were really the person I thought you were. How could I be friends with someone who repeatedly lied after you swore you never hide anything. Broke promises. A hypocrite that threw all your morals out the window. I still laugh at the irony of it all. Who would've thought it would ever come to this. You always wanted it more than I did so I gotta wonder if you miss the way things used to be. That bugs me, every conversation we have now is so superficial, don't you think I notice that? I wish I could know what you're really thinking without actually having to talk about it. I wish I knew what's real but I can't trust you anymore. DONE. GONE.

turn the page.

the most wondeful time of the year

I love love love riding in the snow.

two. weeks.

#1 on my list of songs to learn.

lights out, i still hear the rain

I've wanted to learn how to play guitar for soooo long. So naturally the day I finally get a guitar is also the day I break my wrist. Awesome. I keep hearing songs that I want to learn to play. Before I got this ginormous cast I learned a few chords, and hopefully when I get the smaller one I'll be able to strum a little. Until then I'm practicing silent chord changes and feeling pathetic.

baby seasons change but people don't

tonight you reaffirmed something i discovered a long time ago: you will never change.

and i'm done trying to believe that you will.

i love christmas.

It's that feeling of finally finding that perfect present for someone. Being willing to spend all your money, but not a penny of it on yourself. Having nothing to eat but cookies. Christmas lights, the good and the bad. I love it all. December is my favorite.

we won't be seventeen forever

thank goodness. finally!

:D

art is the cure

they alwaas ask you to rate your pain. i always wondered what a 10 would feel like. lets just say now i know.

the intensity of the fall is soo lame compared to what it caused.

typing onme handed lefty sucks. good thing i gtta write a 4 page paper..

live fearlessly

if no one ever acted like pain was bad, would it still hurt?

stay up all night and sleep all day

we were smart kids with too much to say.

i only show you what i want you to see

not everyone can be trusted..true forgiveness takes time.

all this time, been reaching out blindly

Friends is probably my favorite TV show. There's this one episode where Joey tells Phoebe that there is no such thing as a selfless good deed. Because every good deed makes the do-gooder feel good about doing it, therefore they are benefiting themselves. His argument is that doing a good deed is always a little bit selfish, because people like to feel good about doing the right thing. And the show's really funny because Phoebe tries so hard to prove him wrong, and every time something happens to prove him right.

There was this whole big deal about how a senior from our school befriended a freshman with autism and changed his life. The kid would sit alone at lunch everyday, until the senior decided to sit by him. It really is a freaking awesome story. The 2 kids were even on TV for it and they showed it today during class. And the ladies interviewing them were like, "wow, you're so amazing, so inspirational," just piling on all these compliments. And he's just sitting there awkwardly, like"...uh thanks?" I mean what are you supposed to say? Doing something for someone else should never be about the kind of response you're gonna get. And you could tell that's how he felt. He really was friends with the freshman kid. It wasn't some kind of superficial stunt to look like a nice guy.

I'm just saying that doing something like being a friend to someone who needs a friend shouldn't be so over-glorified. It's awesome to share the story. It's a great story, it was a great thing to do. But it's something everyone should do.

The moral of the story is: make someone's day without them needing to make yours back.

art is my life, dont mess

I am so sick of people who think art is just a blow off, something easy, a waste of time, whatever. Like anything in life, you're gonna get out of it what you put into it. If you just blow it off, sure it'll be easy, and likely it will also be crappy and meaningless. Art isn't about being measured. It's not about how long it took you to make something. My sister's taking this art history class or something, and they had to make some group project that involved ripping up a lot of paper. She was complaining that she spent the whole class ripping up paper and "wow what a waste of time." Yeah, you're right, figuring out useless math problems or listening to some teacher lecture about something you're gonna forget the next day is SO much more productive. Art is never a waste of time. Even if it seems tedious at times. Be patient. Remember why you're doing what you're doing. And maybe in my sister's case, maybe she was wasting her time. She doesn't get it. Doesn't get what art really is. Because like so many other people she can't get over the obsession with measuring time and standards. I hate how life always has to be so darn structured. It traps people. No one knows how to get out anymore.

I remember one time last year in physics. My friends and I were talking about how any math past the basics is pretty much useless to most people. I mean really, who has ever used calculus in an everyday situation? So later my teacher pulled me aside and asked if I really meant what I said about math past 7th grade or so being useless. She argued that it's not useless because it teaches you problem solving. So it doesn't matter if you know how to use calculus, it's learning how to work the problems that is actually useful. Alright Mrs. Scott, sure, but math is so not the only way to learn problem solving. Ever tried observational drawing? Solve the problem of making a 3 dimensional object look realistic on a piece of paper. Sounds easy but when you actually get down to it, there's a heck of a lot of problem solving. Every piece of art ever created involves problem solving. The problem: getting what's in your head out of your head in order to communicate some type of message. I've learned way more problem solving from art than I ever had in math. Math, at least what we learn in school, typically has one right answer. So everyone's learning to solve the problem the same way. No one's thinking outside the box and everything's already been figured out for you. And if you take a different turn somewhere along the way, you're screwed. Completely wrong. Your problem solving skills are different than the teacher's? You interpreted that question in a different way? Screw you, no one cares and you're wrong. Now switch over to art. Unlimited answers. No answers. Answer? What's that? It's whatever you want it to be. Whatever you think it is. Take the question and find a way to look at it that no one else has ever though of. You won't be punished for trying something different or straying from what's already been done. You're not just learning regurgitated equations and memorizing steps to arrive at a predetermined answer.

Art is so overlooked and underestimated. Everyone is too obsessed with standards and measuring and objectivity to ever take it seriously.

like white on rice

Really hoping this rice can work some magic on my phone. I don't have any money for a new one.. plus it's annoying to lose all my numbers..

Leaving it in there for one more day. Pleeeeeease work.

get off the wire, know everything is good here

my life is a venn diagram..

film. love it.

yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery

I don't want everything to be planned out. Calm down. Slow down. Let it happen. I don't know what will happen next week, next year, the next 10 years. Even if we were to sit here and plan it out, it doesn't mean crap. Things change. Live for today. Enjoy today. I don't know and I don't want to know exactly what the rest of my life will look like.

So glad that's over.

and today was a day just like any other

I live with no regrets but sometimes I wish things had played out differently. And it's the littlest details that bug the heck outta me. Live and learn.

no fear, no fences

keep the change you filthy animal

and i find it hilarious that you cant see anything wrong with this.

a slightly belated thanksgiving

Dang. I am so lucky to have this life and I don't ever want to forget that. This is a little late for Thanksgiving but hey, I was outta town, gimme a break! Things I'm thankful for.

A bed. A room. A house. The basics, sure, but some people aren't so lucky. I never did anything to be so blessed, yet here I am.

A family that actually likes each other. For some people, family makes life complicated, stressful. And while I can't say that my family is stress-free, I'm definitely thankful that the good times outweigh the bad.

Amazing friends that take me back after the way I treated them. I don't know what I would do without you guys, and I'm not just saying that to be cliche.

Being able to do what I love. I realize riding is not exactly financially practical. I'm incredibly lucky to not only be able to ride, but to actually have a horse. Again, how did this happen? Why do I deserve this?

Really this list could be endless. I don't always know where I stand with God but one thing I know for sure is that He has given me one heck of a blessed life and I have no idea why. I'm thankful for every last bit of it.

lucky this time

bullet. dodged. i wonder how long this will go on? and is it for better or for worse? probably better. but still.

this could get interesting

it's been so long. if it comes down to it:

death stare, fake smiles, or the ugly truth?

goooooos. fraaabaaaaah.

fold your hands child and walk straight now

I already decided, I decided awhile ago. It came down to graphic design and photography and I chose graphic design. Except really, it never really came down to that. I just picked graphic design because I know my parents don't think of photography as a 'real' major, or something that could ever be a 'real' job. So I never brought it up. But it's always been there in my head, as a possibility for a minor or even a double major if I'm lucky enough. Design is great and everything. I love it. It can be so powerful, so interesting. But photography is so much more intuitive for me. Design does not come easy. Not to say that photography does, but I enjoy the challenge of photography more than I enjoy the challenge of design. Here's the other thing about graphic design. So many people are satisfied being UNoriginal. and that's a trap that I never ever want to fall into. I guess that's true of photography too. Really the main reason I was so quick to pick design is that there's more job opportunities. And that's so unlike me. I've always been one to believe that if you're doing what you love, you can make everything else work out.

In AP art, we have the choice of whatever medium we want for each project. I always feel like I should be doing graphic design type stuff because that's what I'm planning on majoring in. But whenever we find out what the next project is, I'm always way more excited about the possibilities for photos than for designs. I think I've only done one project that doesn't involve photography (out of 6 or 7 we've done so far), and I hate it.

What I'm saying is that I would love to major in photography. Love love love it.

So here's to reeeeeeeaaaaaalllly super hoping that I get in to U of I -- I could double major there. And that would be awesome.

so watch me strike a match

I really need to just stop. It only pisses me off. And I know it will only piss me off, and yet I do it anyway. Why does he think this is okay! What the hell! I want to just forget it all. ughhghsdflksdj;sjdjffsdg.

snow please

At this time last year, I was snowboarding. Today, I rode my horse in short sleeves. Half of me is happy that the weather is still nice enough for trail rides but the other half NEEDS SNOW. I'm supposed to go snowboarding when we go to Minnesota next weekend, but it's been oddly warm there too so it's not looking good.

Finally I got a whole roll of successful fisheye pictures! Walgreens still sucks at cutting them. Really Walgreens sucks at photo in general.

fondling!

Today, I was texting a friend in class and I meant to write "doodling" but my phone wrote "fondling." So now my text reads "I just spent the entire class fondling with some random guy." I'm not going to correct it. MLIA

I love T9 mistakes.

starbucks wannabe

Mcdonalds iced coffee is my new favorite. Yesterday. I drove to Walgreens to drop off some film and was ridiculously tired. Thought about getting a Starbucks doubleshot at Walgreens, but decided to save 50 cents and went to Mcdonalds for a nice carmel iced coffee instead. I literally finished in about 3 minutes. It didn't even last through the drive home. I was instantly rejuvenated. And also addicted.

good day :D

So glad I have awesome friends who help me take my mind off stupid crap.

step back

Stop trying to twist this around like you always do.
Bottom line: it is what it is.

erasable pens & blank pages

This is crazy. Like I'm not upset by it but I am. I shouldn't be. I'm not. It's a good thing, I knew it would happen, and I'm glad it did. But still something about it bugs me. Not bugs me. It's just so weird. I think that's what it is, this is so completely opposite of everything I've known. I don't want to change it, don't want to stop it. Maybe it's just shock more than anything. Shock because... wow. Really. Shock mixed with doubt. I mean how many times has something like this been said and then been a lie. But lies don't usually last this long. And I can always tell when it's a lie. This time I can't tell. Should I take that as a hint? It's just so out of nowhere. Except not really. I mean I guess it makes sense. Okay I admit it, it makes a lot of sense. If this is a lie than wow, that's just completely not cool because it's gone on way too long. So I'm pushing the lie idea aside. And saying it's real. Really? Really. This does not upset me. Why would it? I don't want to change it and I don't want to go back. I'm happy about it. I think the worst is knowing that part of what it was was a lie, I guess. Like words I thought were true just got erased. And then written over. I thought those words were in pen? Must have been the cheap erasable kind. Cuz there's still smudges on the paper, just enough so you can read what was. But something new is written over the top.

Turn the page. I need to turn the page to a fresh new one that can be absolutely anything, and let all the old pages be passed by. They're still there, they'll never go away. But this blank page in front of me is what's going on now. In my sketchbook, I hate starting a new page. I literally have projects upon projects scribbled onto one page, random words, thoughts, and doodles all on top of each other. I hate turning to that new open page, it seems so directionless I guess. I like squeezing new thoughts into the cracks created by old ones. And that's the problem. I need to stop thinking about the old. It's still there and it will never go away. But I need to turn the page and leave it alone. Leave it where it is and focus on what I can make of this new page.

something i can't define

It's not really regret, but I hate that feeling when you look back and wish you would have said something slightly different. Not like you did something horribly wrong, just you wonder what would've happened if maybe you had just a second more to think it through. They say hindsight is 20/20. This is true. I guess in the end life is what it is, and there's a reason you can't change what's already been said or done.

In other news. I'm completely scrapping all previous ideas for my art concentration. They're too vague and cliche which is not a good combination. So I need a new idea by tomorrow. Awesome..

i was young & stupid

forget about it for now, it seems so hard to do
and there's a constant pain in my head
caused by sights i'd rather forget
i hope this time it will fade away

live as if

in the dark

I miss darkroom photography. This is the first semester I haven't been in a photo class in a long time and it's sad. Digital/photoshop stuff is awesome and everything, but I really miss things like wasting 10 sheets of paper to make one picture. Photoshop makes things too easy--the darkroom is far more frustrating. But it's also much more exciting when you get something you're actually happy with.

if my life had a soundtrack

I love when songs bring back memories. 3OH!3 is party music. "Dear Maria" by All Time Low will always take me back to the skatepark. "Happy Birthday" by You Me And Everyone We Know (no, it's not the traditional birthday song) is the last run of an awesome day snowboarding. "No Surprise," the time I should've let it go but couldn't yet. A couple country songs make me miss those long-gone summer days before everyone left.

And then there's those songs you find randomly whose lyrics perfectly describe your life at the time. "Should've Said No" is a perfect example... for while I would crank that so loud and just scream the lyrics because they were so true. Of course this only happens in the car. Seriously... I sing so loud when I'm driving!

I wish I could write songs.

you .don't. belong with me

you say that the past is the past, you need one chance.
it was a moment of weakness. and you said yes.

get some verve.

So in one of my art classes, we are doing this intense concentration thing for our final portfolio. It's 12 pieces of art with a central theme/message/medium, basically they're all related by something you're trying to say. And we're working on it for an entire semester.. so I need an idea that's gonna kick butt. Still working on that one. Here's what I'm thinking so far. Definitely gonna go with photography of some sort.

The way people are so restrained by the impact of the opinions/actions of others. Like how you hold back from doing something because you're worried that people will automatically judge you for it. And yeah, they will judge you. But why does that matter? What would the world be like if reputations and stereotypes didn't exist, if no one was ever judged for their thoughts, words, or opinions? If everyone just spoke their mind without being afraid of looking stupid or weird or anything else they could be labeled as. This is kind of cliche.. but it's something I think about a lot.

The obsession with objectivity. The fact that numbers, scores, and various measurements of success determine your worth as a person in this society. A frustration with formulaic thinking. I hate how test scores seem to define students. That's kinda the backbone for this one, and I don't really know where else I could go with it for a whole semester.

I also kind of want to do something with portraits/people, but I don't really have a solid idea for that yet. I have this feeling like this concentration thing is going to be really interesting and different, but coming up with an idea will be the hard part.

it's getting old.

I'm sure a lot of awesome things will happen between now and then. I like to live in the moment and make the most out of every day (sometimes cliches happen.) I'm not saying that I want to fast forward and miss out on everything that's going on now.

But please please PLEASE can next year hurry up and be here already.

<3

"the most powerful weapon in the world has been, and can be a photograph.
military weapons can only destroy.

cameras in the hands of photographers with hearts can capture love. hope. passion. change lives and make the world a better place.

...and it only takes 1/800th of a second.

life goes on, we photograph it.
but, it's much better with love."

-eddie adams

crazy dreams.

I really wish I could be a dream expert. Dreams are always so crazy and random, do they actually mean things? Or are they just some crazy imaginative alternate reality? My favorite is when random people show up in your dreams, like people you kind of know and they end up being like your best friend in your dream. And then the next time you see them it's kind of awkward. I think about the random people that have been in my dreams, and I kind of wish I knew whose dreams I've randomly been in. But then again, maybe not..

you: as a 2-digit number

The ACT frustrates me so much. Why would anyone ever believe that your potential for success in college could be predicted by a stupid multiple choice test? Everyone is different, not every student can conform to the way the ACT measures success. And then there's the way everyone instantly judges each other based on scores. Most high school kids hate the ACT, know it's worthless, and yet still act like the scores are a be-all, end-all measure of intelligence. I'm sick of hearing people brag about, "I know someone who got a 35!" Well whoop-de-doo! Congrats on achieving absolutely nothing.

Except... scholarship money. And here is another reason why the ACT is frustrating. I got accepted into a college that gives automatic scholarships based solely on ACT scores. If I would've scored just one point higher, I could've had double the scholarship I can get now. One more point on a meaningless test = an additional $7500 per year. How does that make sense...?

woo blog!

Helloooo. This is my blog! (obviously). And this is my extremely lame first post. Stay tuned for more exciting things (maybe).