moving!

I'm moving my blog to tumblr.

Because it's looks pretty dang nifty.

So the new address is:

rulescanbendthatway.tumblr.com

(it's kind of under construction for now)

All future posts of random thoughts and such can be found there!

i've been waiting for something

I've never thought of success as the color of a ribbon. I've never needed to place in order to feel accomplished.

My success is found in a horse who stands quietly when I pull his mane. Cantering bareback in an open field. Finally being able to jump down the steps.

So why should I drop $500 to spend the last month I have with my horse stressing out over whether or not we'll finally be "good enough?"

Not that I don't like showing. I do. But it's so much money. So much money with no guarantee that it won't be like Catalpa last year. So much stress. Unnecessary stress. Pressure. And after all that, we'll be lucky if we place 10th.

Going to watch the mini-event today made me realize that I love hanging out and helping people and taking loads of pictures almost as much as I like actually showing.

I'd rather spend money on cross-country schooling trips. Cheaper, less stressful, and I can sneak in a few prelim jumps :)

I am excited to watch Freedom compete with his new owner and other leaser. To me, their success is my success. I love watching him calmly jump a course with one of them. I reminisce a lot, perhaps too much, about what he was like when I was their age. I was doubtful that he would ever be where he is now.

this is the voice that i was given

How do you make someone see that they need God? That no matter how good their life may seem, or how happy they might think they are, they can't do it alone? Without sounding like an infomercial. It's "easier" to witness to someone who's fallen on hard times or is looking for redemption from haunting mistakes. But then are they coming to Jesus for the wrong reasons? People shouldn't just think of Jesus as a way to get rid of their problems, or an automatic ticket to sunshine and rainbows.

The stereotypes that are attached to Christianity make telling people about God way more complicated.

People are so quick to assume they know it all and just tune out whatever you might try to tell them.

Everyone has their own different ways of witnessing, which is good because different people will be receptive to different things. It is never good to seem like you're forcing your beliefs on someone else. Or to just talk at them without listening to their views.

I'm not a big fan of the whole "walking up to a random stranger and telling them about Jesus" approach. It's too easy to sound like a stereotype. Or sound like you're trying to sell something. To them, you're just "one of those church people."

Instead: build a genuine relationship. Don't push your faith on someone who's not interested. But don't ignore them either. Live like Jesus. Show them love, compassion. Listen. Be a friend. Strive to live like Jesus in everything you do. Discuss what they believe. Ask questions, answer questions. Don't use scare tactics ("don't you know you're going to hell?!"). Be inspired by the Word.

I get that some people are so outgoing and excited about Jesus that randomly witnessing to strangers comes naturally. Which is cool. As long as they're careful not to fall into stereotypes.


Jesus is not just a free ticket to heaven.
Jesus is not just an automatic perfect life.
Jesus is not just a therapist, a place to dump your problems.

Those are commonly used advertisements. Selling points.

It's not about mumbling an insincere prayer about wanting Jesus in your heart so you can have eternal life. It's about actually wanting Jesus in your heart. Changing your heart for Jesus. I don't like when people say "just pray this prayer and you're a Christian!" That's like saying, hey, pray this prayer, then just go forget about it. But it'll be okay, because you mumbled exactly what I told you to mumble and now you're saved.. Not really how it works. Yes, ask Jesus into your heart. But mean it. Want him there. Desire a change in your attitude and actions.

Jesus is complete and unfailing love.

thanks for the memories, even though they weren't so great

In ten years, what will I remember about the way my life is now? Why do we remember some details and not others? What will get erased forever, and what will stay?

(i hope the memories i keep will contradict this title)

we gave up before we gave it a chance

It is too easy to become desensitized.
"Eat your food, there's starving kids in Africa."
It's become cliche. Starving African children.
You hear it and just filter it out.
One child dies from starvation every five seconds.
That's 17,000 kids every day.

people just write it off. no one cares. we are so disconnected from a life where people literally die of hunger that we just ignore it. safe in our little american bubble. not our problem. we will go about our daily lives, consumed in our self-absorbed materialistic culture. and in a distant world, they will go about their daily lives, eating dirt cookies to stay alive.

If a man shuts his ears to the cry of the poor, he too will cry out and not be answered.

Proverbs 21:13

if vision is the only validation, most of my life isn't real

we will never have "our year" like i always hoped we would.

all we have now is one more shot.

we were smart kids with too much to say

"Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them, disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They invent. They imagine. They heal. They explore. They create. They inspire. They push the human race forward. Maybe they have to be crazy. How else can you stare at an empty canvas and see a work of art? Or sit in silence and hear a song that’s never been written? Or gaze at a red planet and see a laboratory on wheels? We make tools for these kinds of people. While some see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who actually do."

-apple

if grace is an ocean, we're all sinking

if your words are your weapons my dear, i surrender

liar liar

thoughts are weird. how can you stop the ones you don't want?
get outta there.

and when the oceans rage, i don't have to be afraid

I wonder if God ever laughs at all the silly earthly things people get so caught up in. If you stop to think about it, stop to look around, everything He's given us is waaaaay more amazing and magnificent than anything else ever. In Him we have everything. But still people think they can make themselves happy by trying to make their own success or satisfaction. When in reality, He's all that matters. Loving God and living for Him is the only thing you ever really need to invest yourself in, and everything else will happen as it needs to. Look up at the sky. It's endless. It's beautiful. In any weather, it's beautiful. God made that. Now.. stare off into the sea of homes that is suburbia. It's sickening. People made that. God's got his big amazing sky, looking out over this gross metropolis that society considers to be some sort of "progress." Ha. People think they're so great sometimes. Look up, people, look up.

it's gonna be a hard road, but it'll be worth it

i absolutely love cantering bareback. it is proof of how much freedom and i have both grown in the past 6 and a half years. i don't care that we'll never win a dressage test. i don't care that the fancy expensive horses will beat us every time. i care that: six years ago, cantering bareback would have been a death wish. riding bareback would have been a death wish. and now? i can let go of the reins and trust my horse.

i hate thinking that we only have so many rides left. it's hard to step back and let him go to someone else. it sounds cliche to say that we've been through so much together, but it's true. i freaking love that horse.

(photo by Gregory White)

i've got five fingers on each hand for every mistake that i've made

tell me tell me, what makes you think that you are invincible?

"i thought you were one of the good ones."
"yeah.. he's gotten so bad."

actual quotes. really..? because let's group people into stereotypes of "good" and "bad." and judge them for it. and write them off.
people make mistakes, sometimes big ones. sometime a lot of mistakes. doesn't make them "bad." doesn't mean they won't come around.
do you ever hear something that just completely pisses you off? something you know is so wrong?

times like these that make me think.

another reason not to fear the sky

words stop short as the lies grow stronger

part of me knows it happened but part of me just wants to cover it up and ignore it. part of me always knew what happened but the other part tried to forget. deceived. manipulated. lied to. more lies than i could see. why. is this for real? is this the truth now? ..life can't rewind.

i set my clocks early cuz i know i'm always late

114 days.

(photo by gilderic)

and as i start to run, i stop to breathe

i love rediscovering old music. i love singing at the top of my lungs. i love awesome acoustic songs. love music that takes you back to a happy memory. lyrics that make so much sense. lyrics that make you think. chill music. intense music. new music. music for a good mood. music for a long drive. getting lost in a song. singing and not caring. not caring what it sounds like or who's listening. singing for praise, worship. singing loud with the voice God gave you. songs you can't not sing to, the ones you sing even with headphones in. music is a pretty amazing thing.


: and i'll be here by the ocean just waiting for proof that there's sunsets and silhouette dreams. all my sand castles fall like the ashes of cigarettes, and every wave drags me to sea. i could stand here for hours just to ask God the question, is everyone here make believe? with a tear in His voice He said, son that's the question, does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me..

(you be the anchor that keeps my feet on the ground,
i'll be the wings that keep your heart in the clouds)
-mayday parade.

so let me think of how to word it

Sometimes I do this thing where I mentally write letters to people. And they say all the things I want that person to know but would probably never say out loud. I do it a lot actually. Sometimes it's stuff I wouldn't share because it's not exactly positive, or unnecessary drama. Yet still things I wish I could say. Other times it's subtle ways people make me happy or influence my life. In my head I convince myself that I may actually tell people what I've written in these mental letters. But to be honest it's unlikely. Which is kind of sad. It's the kind of thing that I would try to say but the words would get lost coming out of my mouth. Like there's some weird filter between my thoughts and my speech that prevents it from coming out the way I want it to. Things make more sense in my head.

too bright to see, too loud to hear

czechczechczechczechczech!!!! I am so excited about this. For a million reasons. I've never been on a missions trip. I've never been out of the country. I will be on another continent during the fair. All good things. Sad that I'll only get to lease Freedom through June. But I'm alright with it. I can't wait for this adventure.

proverbs 3:5-6

trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
seek his will in all you do,
and he will direct your paths.

it's cold in the shade, let's move to the sun

I feel like I got jipped out of winter this year. I like spring and everything, but I would really appreciate a few more snowboarding trips.

we've only got two days and time won't wait

iced coffee. long strides. chipotle wannabe. relieved. ju. peachy. gazelles. iced coffee. beads. you know why. those darn quarters. killin time. tour guide barbie. iloveart. sweet photos. classic bean. iced coffee. real big ceilings. acoustic. right turns. cwianfood. glee. old times. it's been awhile. it's gonna happen. zona addiction. hey there..

wham. stats. extra early monday.

i love weekends.

so what if there's something that i missed

ribbons never mattered.

i'm just a painter and i'm drawing a blank

There is something so mezmorizing about passionate people doing what they love. Doesn't matter what it is they're doing, you can see the passion. It's inspiring to watch people come alive like that.

last year's wishes are this year's apologies

you hurt me more than i knew at the time.
so many reminders of the damage.

so thankful now to replace the bad memories with good ones.

love.

Something hit me today. Something so obvious, so simple, yet so essential. Jesus. Is. Love. I've heard it 5 million times since I was old enough to listen. And yet somewhere along the way it gets clouded with technicalities. It's almost cliche to say that it's the same undying perfect love that's been with you since before you were born. But at the same time, that "cliche" is refreshing. It's hard to put into words. It's a feeling. One of those realization moments when things just suddenly make a whole lot more sense than they did the day before.

maybe we're all that we needed

fake friends: want to talk but don't want to listen.

reminds me how lucky i am to have some really awesome true friends.

this story ends where it began

Weird. So weird. I'm really excited that it worked out this way, but that doesn't take away the weirdness. It hasn't really set in yet. "Ownership" of horses is kind of a weird concept. At least it is right now for me. Not in the way that all horses should be free and no one should "own" them. But in the way that.. he'll always be mine in a way. It's not something you can just take away with a check. It's weird to not be the one who ultimately makes the decisions anymore. It's kind of hard to step back. Even though I still have a huge say in everything, knowing him so well. It's just different now, sometimes things don't always fit into words.

i've got 26 letters to explain how i'm feeling

your skin was appealing wallpaper

Say what's real. Don't talk just to say something. Don't try to say what you think sounds good, what you think is the right answer. Speak your mind. Don't be afraid of being judged. Think. Think deep. Then say it. Even if it doesn't make sense or it's hard to explain. At least it's something real, something fresh. Discuss. Listen, and build on that. Listen to more than just your own voice. Move the conversation forward instead of dwelling on what we already know.

Stop trying to fake it.
The truth is what we're really after.

tell me what your best friends know

Life tip: if you tell me I can't tell my best friends, something is probably wrong here. If you say not to talk about it because people will criticize, maybe there's a reason they're criticizing.

shallow is as shallow does

I hate people who act like they're just the coolest thing ever ever. Those "too cool for life" types. Those ones that act like they know everything, they've done it all, they have all the answers. Those people that make you feel like you're somehow below them, even though you know they're just ego freaks. Reality check: you don't know everything, no one's worshiping the ground you walk on, your way isn't always best.

the proof is in the kodak

..actually it's Nikon.

840 pictures in one night.
first of many. i hate going to bed. i just want to edit all these.

but the truth is

I don't know anything about politics. It's frustrating, the whole idea of the system. I feel like people just label themselves "liberal" or "conservative" and then their votes are already decided for whatever issue or whatnot. Like, a person who considers themselves a "liberal" will go and take the liberal side, because they're supposed to. If we could throw these labels away, maybe people would actually think for themselves and not just lump together with what's supposed to happen.

i'll look on the bright side

I feel like my arm is an amnesia patient and I have to reteach it everything about its old life.

Random analogies define my life.

you're still probably workin' at a 9 to 5 pace

can't erase, can't replace it

I hate hate hate not being able to ride. It's been like two freaking months. I've been riding for 8ish years and have never been away from it for this long and I am going crazy. I mean I try not to think about it because that makes it worse. But this SUCKS. That's definitely going to be the worst part about college next year, I'm gonna miss my pony so dang much.

I'm trying to gather all my favorite photos of me and Freedom through the years. It's crazy how much we've both changed. Really wish I didn't have to sell him soon. That's something else I try not to think about.

so say what you wanna say

I hate when journals/sketchbooks get published. I've seen books that are "inside the sketchbooks of the best graffiti artists" or the "authentic, unedited journals" of a musician or something. They look really cool because they've always got that grungy, handwritten style. But journals and sketchbooks are not for publishing.. they're not to be show-offish or to be used as a model for someone else's journal/sketchbook. I hate published ones because I feel like people pick them up and say, "oh wow, look at how GOOD this is.." Sketchbooks are not supposed to be.. glorified. Publishing it defeats the whole purpose. A sketchbook is like an artist's brain puked onto paper. Not finished, sometimes not even started. When they get published, it makes other artists feel like theirs somehow isn't good enough. Or it makes it seem like a sketchbook has to be really good, every page.

but the party don't stop

Well it's been another crazy weekend, lovin' it.

I should be studying for finals.. I need to get at least a 68 on stats, which I feel like should be easy but I'm screwed if it's not. Especially because I've been sucking at stats lately. I'm so ready to be done with high school..

so make believe your secrets find the grave

if the lesson's never learned it's just like stitches for show

"What and how much had I lost by trying to do only what was expected of me instead of what I myself had wished to do? What a waste, What a senseless waste! But what of those things which you actually didn't like, not because you were supposed to not like them, not because to dislike them was considered a mark of refinement and education--but because you actually found them distasteful? The very idea annoyed me. How could you know? It involved a problem of choice. I would have to weigh many things carefully before deciding and there would be some things that would cause quite a bit of trouble, simply because I had never formed a personal attitude toward so much. I had accepted the accepted attitudes and it had made life seem simple..."

-invisible man

people subconsciously form opinions based on other peoples' opinions. and eventually everyone just thinks the same way.

fingerprints sold me out

and suddenly it's for real

Alright so. Housing apps for U of I come out January 15. Not that I have to have a solid decision by then, it's just got me thinking. And if I dooo decide to go there, it would be good to get that in so I don't get screwed over. So here's the thing. I know I would love it there. It's got pretty much everything I'm looking for. Big school campus feel. Really pretty campus. Sweet college town. Awesome graphic design AND photography. Far enough from home to get away but close enough to not be a big pain. Lots of stuff going on.

The con list. So many people from around here go there. Equestrian team sucks (but close enough that I could come home to ride occasionally). Surprise visits from my dad..? Hm. Well this con list is kinda pathetic.

Compared to other schools on my list.. I'm hesitant to say it's my favorite but, let's be honest, it kinda is. SCAD is awesome but far away.. all art.. city rather than campus-y. Montana? Sounds awesome in theory. Also far away, don't know how good their art is, parents won't even let me visit. Miami.. soo preppy and feels too much like the atmosphere of my high school only bigger. Plus it really doesn't have any strengths over U of I except the equestrian team thing.

So. I've never really officially said it. But yeah, I want to go to U of I. For real. It just kinda bugs me that that's just what everyone expects me to do. My brother literally said 4 years ago that he knew I was gonna go there. It just seems like a safe.. logical.. choice. And I just don't like that idea. Except I know I'll be happy there. Just because it makes sense doesn't mean it won't be crazy awesome.

I e-mailed someone from the art school about double majoring in graphics/photo. It's possible... with an average of 19 credit hours per semester. Frick. Doubt my parents would let me go 5 years to get it either. Doesn't make me want to go there any less though. And I don't apply for a specific art major until soph year so who knows, maybe I'll end up in photo after all.

Not looking forward to the cheesy reactions I'm gonna get when I tell my parents I'm officially gonna go there.

handcuffs and alibis

i think i think too much.

stand a little too tall, say a little too much

Putting yourself in the right frame of mind can make a lot of difference. Think positive, positive things will happen. Tell yourself it's not that bad, and things get a little better. But it only goes so far. You gotta draw the line somewhere. At some point you have to just accept what is.

don't wait, this night is almost over

I wish we lived in a world where people could just say what they really think without getting judged. Thinking about it now, really I just wish I always had the balls to speak my mind without worrying. I try to mostly. But sometimes I hold back. Afraid of the reaction. I mean come on, what's the worst that could happen?

The Invention of Lying is a really interesting movie. Everyone is always brutally honest. What if life was really like that?

my heart's givin' in to my eyes

Aaaand we're back. That was fun. Chalk it up to some more good memories.

;)

let the rhyme get stuck in your head

jasey rae
the brightest green
six feet under the stars
the general
best friends for never
heregoesnothin
weightless
bring me down
jersey
one week

never told a lie and that makes me a liar

Have not felt this way in a loooong time and lovin every second of it. Don't know, don't care where it's going. Not knowing is part of the fun. What I do know... clearly this is a sign that 2010 is gonna be awesome.